36 questions to get to know someone
The pen pal edition.
Psychologist Arthur Aron found that two strangers could create genuine closeness by answering 36 escalating questions together. These questions work even better in letters, you have time to actually think before you write.
The questions
The 36 questions
Work through each set. Answer one to yourself, then use it in your next letter.
12 questions to start breaking the surface · 12 questions
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a perfect day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your pen pal appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your pen pal your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Tips
How to use these questions with a pen pal
Use one or two questions per letter, not all 12 at once. Space gives both people time to actually reflect.
Answer the question yourself before asking your pen pal. Reciprocal disclosure is what makes these questions work.
Start with Set 1 even if it feels simple. The escalation across all three sets is part of the design.
If a question doesn't feel right for your pen pal yet, skip it and come back later. Trust the pace of the correspondence.
FAQ
Frequently asked questions
The 36 questions were developed by psychologist Arthur Aron and made famous by a 2015 New York Times essay. They are designed to create closeness between two strangers through escalating personal disclosure. The questions are split into three sets, each one more personal than the last.
Yes, the questions work especially well in written form. Writing forces more reflection than speaking, and the slower pace of pen-pal exchange means you have time to think through your answers. Many Slowletter users use these questions in their early letters to move past small talk quickly.
That is exactly what they are designed for. The original study paired complete strangers and the questions created genuine closeness in under 45 minutes. With a pen pal, spreading them across several letters has a similar effect.
No, use what feels right. Many people pick 2-3 from each set and work through them over several exchanges. The key is that both people answer, not just one.